Herd it through the grapevine
By KAREN SHADE, 12/10/2006
Nightingale Theater presents 'The Eight: The Reindeer Monologues.' Joseph Gomez stars as Comet. A. CUERVO / Tulsa World
Comedy offers the low-down on high-flying reindeer
They spread joy, good cheer and presents throughout the world one day out of the year. But Santa's reindeer, that mysterious troupe of airborne Arctic prancers, have only recently stepped forward to tell their real stories.
One by one, they (Dasher, Dancer, Prancer, Vixen, Comet, Cupid, Donner and Blitzen) take the Nightingale Theater spotlight for "The Eight: The Reindeer Monologues" to talk shop and dish dirt about allegations of a sordid incident that could divide the team forever.
Three -- Comet (Joseph Gomez), Blitzen (Sara Cruncleton) and, yes, Vixen (Lynn Kelsey) -- agreed to answer our ques tions, but none would comment specifically on the allegations brought against Santa Claus by Vixen.
Comet, however, did have this to say about the boss: "You know, they didn't grant him sainthood for his good looks. I don't say that to be disrespectful, but he's not a glamour saint like Joan of Arc or St. Patrick. Behind that bowl full of jelly is a heart of gold. He's a good man, and I think he will be cleared of these charges."
How were you recruited onto Santa's sleigh team?
Comet: "When I was a young buck, I fell in with a bad crowd, Hell's Herd. We were the meanest fawns in the Northern Hemisphere. We'd go out drinking, get in fights, knock over igloos. Anyway, after a few run-ins with the law, I was turned in to an animal shelter. They thought I was rabid; they were going to put me down. Then, someone called Santa, 'cause they'd heard about his work. He took me out of there and turned my life around, gave me a job, helped me straighten out. I owe it all to him."
Blitzen: "Actually, I was interning in his (Santa's) workshop during a summer break from college . . . hoping to learn about, like, the stress-related issues that come up with the elves, the reindeer and Santa's workshop. They've got this horrible thing with deadlines there. From there I was recruited onto the team."
Vixen: "I was vacationing and I was on the beach. A man approached me and he asked me if I'd like to come work for him. It seemed a little bit shady at first, but he told me I could make children all over the world happy, so despite his creepiness, I went ahead and looked into it and decided I would join his team."
What do you do the rest of the year?
Comet: "I do work with troubled deer. I try to give back to the community. You know if I can keep just one deer from getting gored to death in a gang fight, then I've done my job . . . I know the kind of suicidal despair that makes a deer want to step into oncoming traffic."
Blitzen: "Well, I've been taking some women's studies courses, and I've been really enjoying those and doing a lot of performances at, like, open night poetry night, and I do a little bit of acoustic guitar as well.
Vixen: "I vacation in Florida every summer. Unlike most of the reindeer, I really don't like the cold. I also enjoy doing some modeling here and there. I've also done a photo spread for 'Playboy,' and I do some ads and a little bit of Internet work, yeah.
How do you stay in shape for Christmas Eve?
Comet: "I do a lot of training and exercise in the off-season, and rumors of steroid use among the reindeer are completely unfounded, and I find them, personally, insulting."
Blitzen: "Well, to be honest, I really think it's like a form of cultural blackmail to alter my shape for just, like, some sexist patriarchal mind set. You know. I'm OK with who I am. I can fly the way I am. I think curves are beautiful and if I can, you know, do my job, then I don't worry about staying in shape or what typical people or reindeer of Santa thinks is 'in shape.' "
Vixen: "I do a little bit of yoga and Pilates, but in addition to that Santa, has quite a bit of fun building these obstacle courses and likes to run drills with us. Sometimes he'll just wake us up in the middle of the night and send us out."
How do you unwind after 24 hours of delivering presents all around the world?
Comet: "Well, believe it or not, we're pretty exhausted after delivering presents to all the children in the world, and I'm not as young as I used to be, so I usually just have some eggnog and crash out."
Vixen: "Usually we break into Mrs. Claus' stash of alcohol (Old Crow)."
How do you cope with job stress?
Comet: "Eh, we work one day a year, ya know? It's not too stressful."
Blitzen: "I do a lot of meditation and breathing exercises, just breathing and things like that. And, I also have a punching bag. You would not believe how free it feels just to punch it!"
Vixen: "I might have a nightcap here and there."
How would you describe the relationship between Santa and Frosty the Snowman, who some believe is his rival?
Comet: "I don't know where you get this stuff. You know, Santa has always had warm feelings for Frosty. They may not have always been reciprocated, not out of animosity, but that's just who Frosty is. He's a very cool character."
Blitzen: (Laughs) "Well, Santa tries to be real cool about Frosty and all that, but to be honest, I think he's really, really jealous of that carrot."
Vixen: "Actually, a little-known fact -- Frosty the Snowman and Santa are pretty good friends. Prancer, as you know, changed his name to Hollywood (after filming the movie 'Prancer'). He had this big idea that caused this hubbub leading into an action movie about a battle between Frosty and Santa. He staged a few things, called the paparazzi and staged a few incidents. Truthfully, they're really good friends."
What exactly are "reindeer games"?
Comet: "You've seen the movie 'Patriot Games' with Harrison Ford? They're a lot like that."
Blitzen: "Oh, my gosh. I'm so embarassed that that has even gotten out to the public. You know, most of those are just typically so degrading that I don't think you could print anything about them . . . It was one night where I just had too much tequila, and that's all I can say about that."
Vixen: "We play poker every now and again, and the only reason we don't let Rudolph play is because he couldn't bluff his way out of a paper sack. He's really awful."
"The Eight: The Reindeer Monologues"
A comedy told through monologues
When:
8 p.m. Thursday-Saturday and Dec. 21-23
Where:
Nightingale Theater, 1416 E. Fourth St.
Tickets are $8. For reservations, call 583-8487 [As of February 2007, 633-8666]
Show for a mature audience.